Now I've been on my fair share of flights around the world, well more than I should have at times.
But that all changed after the events of 9/11.
Now, your casual Nike Free 3.0 shoes that you have just bought and shelled out $200 for- are a weapon of mass destruction.
Que Jaws theme music.
You approach the first line of scrummage. The pointy nosed bastard that checks if your hand luggage is kosher.
"NO!!!" I EXCLAIM LOUDLY, "IM A BUSINESS CLASS PASSENGER I GET MORE ALLOWANCE!!!"
After 375 people before me have said nothing and quite clearly gotten angry with him, but kept quiet, I have gone where no man in the past 7 hours has gone before.
As quick as you can make a fried rice in the back streets of Shanghai- the bloke was barking down his radio for backup.
Now I'm not a huge bloke, I like to juice it up at the gym and maintain a look that the ladies seem to not get enough of, but in Asia us westerners are Godzilla compared to our Asian brothers. Half a dozen blokes later, they still can't figure out I'm a premium customer with my airline of choice therefore I get a much larger carry on allowance.
Que the cute flight attendant wondering through the staff lane. One moment looking at my ticket, barking in Chinese at the now assembled entire forward pack of the Shanghai Pudong Airport security first XV- I was on my way through the first proverbial hurdle.
From one pointy nosed bastard to the other. They all make you seem as though you are an escaped convict and that the mere sight of the smallest of a suspicious item(s) in your baggage they will pile drive you faster than the Hamiltonian hooker that grabbed you that one night in that dark alleyway and you swore to yourself you would never speak of ever again.
Beep. Beep.
"no... Ah.. N.. N.. No... That's a POWER ADAPTER"
...
"No... That's medication, without that I'd go mental and crash the plane, we don't want that do we?" (bad joke, que more groans from yourself and the people behind you as they decide to open your baggage even further"
You may have had a fight with your girlfriend once, or perhaps a 3 year old child, when they don't get what they want, they sit down and cross their arms and refuse to reply with anything but a muffled "MMMMRRRFFF!!!"
Well, that actually WORKS !! Go ahead, find yourself a chair, cross your arms and let those pointy nosed bastards on a meager government wage rip your things apart.
IN FACT, don't wash your clothing for a week, hey even two, then see them close the bag just as fast as they put their beady little eyes on you knowing they were going to attempt to ruin your flight experience.
And whatever you do, don't make a joke about a bomb. Or Muslims.
That ends up in the "secondary search"... And I've been there, you don't want to go into that side room....
Now grab yourself a glass of 12 yr old scotch, slap the ass of the cute flight attendant for a cheeky 'thanks for the help earlier on' and wait for the next round of security checks that come at the end of your flight!
